via GIPHY
Oookay. I just know that there is no surer way to be brought low and humbled, than to take a bunch of kids to a restaurant - any restaurant. Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't take your kids out to eat! By all means, get out there and give 'em hell. Maybe you want to skip the fancy French restaurant for now, but there are a ton of places that you can take your family to eat. What I am saying is, going out to eat with kids, particularly toddler age kids is #complicated. You need to go into it prepared for anything.
Let's talk about some of the ways dining out B.C. (Before Children) differs from dining out A.C. (After Children).
1. Sitting down at the table:
B.C. - "Muffy, I think I shall sit down now!"
A.C. - "O.K., this is the plan: you sit here between the older kids because Lord knows they will start fighting if they are next to each other. I will sit between the toddler and the baby BUT we need a high chair for the baby, so let's put it at the end of table. Wait, wait, you gotta move all the knives away from the baby cause she likes pointy things. Also, move the plates away from her. And the glasses. Shit, just clear the table in front of her. Did they forget to give us the coloring books and crayons? Just give her your phone."
2. Ordering food:
B.C. - "Good day, fine waiter! I shall order the filet - medium rare with a side of asparagus."
A.C. - "Babe, pass me the kid's menu. Kids, here are the options: chicken fingers, pasta with red sauce, cheeseburger, and hot dog. What do you want? Really?? You guys just had dinosaur chicken nuggets for lunch. Why don't we try something different? Fine, pasta it is. What do you mean no red sauce? I swear that if I hadn't given birth to you guys myself, I would question whether you were really my children. Are you sure you have to go to the bathroom? We just sat down two seconds ago."
3. Eating:
B.C. - ::chewing sounds::
A.C. - "O.K., here's the plan: You eat quick while I feed the baby and then we'll switch. If things start to go south, we'll just wrap it up and go home. Deal? Great. Please use your fork, son. I know it's tough to get the spagehtti on the fork, but...ugh, just give me the plate so I can cut them into tiny bits. Please sit down. What do you mean you're done? You've barely touched anything! If you kids don't eat, there will be no dessert for any of you. Sit, I said sit! You just went to the bathroom. It's like physically impossible for you to have to go again... Waiter, check please!"
I hate to say it, but when all else has failed, we have been known to resort to letting them use an iPad or phone to play games while they wait to eat. I know what you might be thinking: isn't a family dinner about staring into each other's eyes and connecting and talking about crap? Yes - when we're in our own damn house. When we're out to dinner, it's all about survival man. If that electronic device buys me two seconds to scarf down my cold entree - so screw me.
B.C. - "Muffy, I think I shall sit down now!"
A.C. - "O.K., this is the plan: you sit here between the older kids because Lord knows they will start fighting if they are next to each other. I will sit between the toddler and the baby BUT we need a high chair for the baby, so let's put it at the end of table. Wait, wait, you gotta move all the knives away from the baby cause she likes pointy things. Also, move the plates away from her. And the glasses. Shit, just clear the table in front of her. Did they forget to give us the coloring books and crayons? Just give her your phone."
2. Ordering food:
B.C. - "Good day, fine waiter! I shall order the filet - medium rare with a side of asparagus."
A.C. - "Babe, pass me the kid's menu. Kids, here are the options: chicken fingers, pasta with red sauce, cheeseburger, and hot dog. What do you want? Really?? You guys just had dinosaur chicken nuggets for lunch. Why don't we try something different? Fine, pasta it is. What do you mean no red sauce? I swear that if I hadn't given birth to you guys myself, I would question whether you were really my children. Are you sure you have to go to the bathroom? We just sat down two seconds ago."
3. Eating:
B.C. - ::chewing sounds::
A.C. - "O.K., here's the plan: You eat quick while I feed the baby and then we'll switch. If things start to go south, we'll just wrap it up and go home. Deal? Great. Please use your fork, son. I know it's tough to get the spagehtti on the fork, but...ugh, just give me the plate so I can cut them into tiny bits. Please sit down. What do you mean you're done? You've barely touched anything! If you kids don't eat, there will be no dessert for any of you. Sit, I said sit! You just went to the bathroom. It's like physically impossible for you to have to go again... Waiter, check please!"
I hate to say it, but when all else has failed, we have been known to resort to letting them use an iPad or phone to play games while they wait to eat. I know what you might be thinking: isn't a family dinner about staring into each other's eyes and connecting and talking about crap? Yes - when we're in our own damn house. When we're out to dinner, it's all about survival man. If that electronic device buys me two seconds to scarf down my cold entree - so screw me.
I will say, we are big believers in removing a tantruming kid from the table and going outside or to the car until they're ready to stop acting the fool. It's just good manners and makes other people hate you less #themoreyouknow
It's fair to say that going to a restaurant with kids is...a different experience. But, I do think any time spent with the people you love (even if you kinda wanna choke 'em out*) is worth it in the end.
*totally kidding about the choking! My kids much prefer the time out cage in our basement ;)
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