Boob Wars

Raise your hand if you clicked on my post expecting to see actual boobs! Gotcha! No boob pics today readers. OK, OK, here is a boob pic. Now that we got that out of the way, let's turn our attention to the true topic of today's post:  mama drama around breastfeeding.

Yes, I am an advocate of breastfeeding. I have breastfed all three of my children. My youngest is 14 months old and I still breastfeed him in the evenings.  Yes, I am an advocate of extended breastfeeding.  I don't think it is creepy or wrong to breastfeed a toddler. Most importantly, though, I am an advocate of feeding your child with love.  Period. I don't think that formula is toxic or bad and I don't think that mamas should be shamed into believing that they have somehow failed if they couldn't breastfeed (for whatever reason or no reason at all).  Is breast best? I think there is a general consensus among medical science, including the formula companies, that it is (assuming you are healthy of course), so you don't need me to go through all of that here. HOWEVER, newsflash: formula is not the devil! I have supplemented with formula in the past and did not feel guilty about doing so. Again, a baby fed with love is a happy baby.

There are some women who don't have a desire to breastfeed, so they happily use formula from the get go. There are other women who simply cannot breastfeed due to a medical condition or incompatible medication. At the end of the day, you have to do what is right for you and your baby. To these women I say, more power to you mama! There are other women who want so much to breastfeed, but simply cannot make it work.  They often feel guilt and terrible sadness over not being able to breastfeed.  My heart absolutely breaks for them. To these women I say this: 

Your bodies have not failed you. You have not failed your child.  

The truth is that you're operating at a disadvantage here. You have not been equipped with the tools to make breastfeeding work. You have not been given appropriate maternity leave to solidly establish your milk supply. You have been denied time and a clean place to pump. Your hospital or other healthcare provider might have insisted that your baby receive formula right away (despite any legitimate need for it). You might be the first women in your family in several generations to breastfeed. Your families and significant others may not have understood or supported your decision to breastfeed. Your breasts have been so sexualized by society, that the slightest glimpse of your flesh in public while nursing a child results in looks of disgust and outright hostility.  

These things are not your fault mama.

We need to do a better job of providing women with the resources and education that they need to make the breastfeeding relationship work. I highly recommend visiting a Lactation Consultant right away to talk about what a proper latch looks like and how to address any issues that might arise. As a start, here are some great resources that I have used: La Leche League, Kelly Mom, International Lactation Consultant Association. In a nation where two income households are the norm, workplace policies should provide accommodation to nursing moms (a clean, secure place to pump is a must).  For optimal success, everyone in that mama's support system needs to be on that boobie train cheering her on!

Above all else, though, let's be about supporting each other - not bashing each other's basic parenting decisions. Whether you formula feed or breastfeed, we are all in this together as mamas and that should be enough common ground to push us past all the petty bickering and grandstanding that usually accompanies this type of discussion. After all, there would be no "mommy wars" if moms didn't want to fight. 

The Truth Is: You Can't Have It ALL

I am a young working mama who struggles on a daily basis to find the proper balance between work and life.  I have to say that more often than not I am left with the feeling that I haven't done either work or life very much justice. It is a feeling that I am sure many of you share (women and men alike).  I feel this way despite the fact that I have a husband who shares equally in domestic responsibilities and a solid family support system ready and willing to offer assistance in a pinch.  I don't know how the single parents out there do it - big ups to you my friends.

In Sheryl Sandberg's book, "Lean In," she essentially advocates a position that is not new to working moms:  don't be scared to work harder!  You too can be just as successful as your male counterparts if you're not afraid to seize the same opportunities!  There is a reason why there are so few women in positions of authority: CEOs, VPs, business owners, partners in law firms, etc.  I do not believe that it is because women are less capable or motivated.  I have known many brilliant women who when confronted with continuing up a particular ladder - to what many would consider the pinnacle of their profession - decided to make a career change for "lifestyle" reasons.  For the uninitiated, "lifestyle" reasons = "I got kids now, fool!  You can't expect me to be schlepping all over the country when I got kids who need their mama!"  Or something like that.

The lack of effective workplace policies that reflect the reality of working parents (maternity/paternity leave, flex time, alternative schedules, remote working, etc.) further drives otherwise talented individuals to seek more "flexible" employment.  The truth is that these people are disproportionately working mothers and there are few women who can truly "lean in" the way Sheryl Sandberg suggests.  I don't know what the answer is to making this situation better, but I do know that the onus cannot solely be on the working mother.  Sure, we need to be better advocates for ourselves and our careers, but the places that employ us should have to step up too.  Family dynamics have changed, the workforce has changed, and so it follows that institutions, businesses, and companies should change too.

I was an associate in a law firm for five years doing what all associates in a law firm do: work their butts off, work on the weekends, travel for work.  That is the law firm structure and while I was aware of that when I entered the profession there aren't many first year associates who really think about how they are going to ascend the corporate ladder while juggling their work load and motherhood.  When you are repeatedly told that you can "have it all" it is easy to believe that things will work themselves out. 

To make matters a bit more complicated, I was already married and had a 3 month old baby when I began my legal career.  As a family, we made things work as best as we could and after two years we even added another child to the mix.  Look at me go! Except, I don't know that I was "leaning in" so much as desperately trying not to fall over.  So, I made a career change that many women in law firms make - I accepted an in-house counsel position at a company.  Am I still working my butt off?  You betcha!  But, I don't have the same stress hanging over me (am I on partnership track? how do I develop clients?) and that makes a world of difference in my ability to leave work at work and focus on my family when I am home. I realized that the law firm life was probably not the best fit for me or my family. 

To be clear, I am not saying that working moms can't make it in law firms.  To the contrary, I know many amazing women who are making it work on a daily basis.  What I am saying is that there are difficult choices to be made when considering whether to continue on a particular career path.  There are trade-offs and sacrifices that must be made.  If you think that you can work 80 hour weeks, travel endlessly, and still have dinner on the table every night, attend every soccer game and be a she-wolf in the bedroom.....just STOP.  Stop it.  You are making yourself and everyone else around you crazy.  lol.  It is all about setting your own expectations and being at peace with your decisions.  You cannot have it ALL.  You can have a little bit of everything, though.  And I think that's ok too.

Parenting Laws of Nature

In this life there are few absolutes. Death. Taxes. Broccoli - that was stuck in your teeth during an important business meeting only you discover said broccoli AFTER the meeting is over and realize that not one darn person had the decency to tell you.  Dear readers, please believe that if I ever see you walking around with something in your teeth, or your fly open, or your skirt tucked into the back of your panty hose - I will not hesitate to tell you. 'Cause that's just how I roll.

Now, there are certain absolute laws of parenting. These are laws that cannot be bypassed or circumvented. If you are a parent, you WILL experience these laws in action. Let's take a closer look at the top five:

(1) Your need to take an important phone call will always coincide with your off-spring's need to tell you something so absolutely-freaking-positively-critical that he or she will surely die without your undivided attention. NOW. (Usually the crisis involves something like a broken cracker or a lint ball on his or her's shirt, but I digress).

(2) A child's need to use the bathroom is inversely related to whatever you can imagine as the most inopportune time/place to use the bathroom. Like after you've already smooshed your butt in the faces of a thousand people you've had to climb over to reach your seats on a crowded (bus, train, plane, etc.) or anywhere that only has porta-potties available within a 5 mile radius. Have you ever had to explain to a child what in God's name a porta-potty is and why it looks like THAT? Of course you have. 

(3) If you have two or more children, all will get sick either simultaneously or in rapid succession leaving you a ragged, sleepless mess. The illness will usually involve projectile vomit (which will always end up on a carpet, if one is anywhere in your home).  Kid vomit will find carpet or other hard to clean surfaces like a heat seeking missile, so don't even bother trying to protect them. Note: If you are a woman, you will not catch what the kids have. However, your husband will, so be prepared for double doody <<<<<see what I did there.

(4) Your kid's most god-awful, cringe inducing temper tantrums will always occur on cue right at the moment you are either (a) bragging about what a well behaved kid you have or (b) ragging on someone else's bad ass kids. Your kid will probably also take that moment to hit or steal something from the child of whomever you were just speaking to.  At this point you will likely blame the whole thing on the lack of a nap. Stop yourself. You're lying and it's embarrassing.

(5) A kid's ability to hurry decreases in response to your need to do anything quickly. Need to leave the house at 8:00 a.m. so you have a decent shot of dropping the kids off at school and making it to work on time? Sike! Should've left at 5:00 a.m. sucker. Suddenly, shoes have disappeared, tooth brushes are MIA, a "surprise" piece of homework materializes at the last minute, and you are LATE. Again.

Did I miss any laws? Let me know in the comments.