It's a subject that no one wants to talk about or frankly, admit to. In fact, I never even contemplated the possibility of having to deal with something like this before having kids. I am talking about head lice. It's one of those things that you hope you never have to deal with, but once it happens you are forced to confront places in your soul that you never knew existed. Dark, scary, places people.
Let me begin with some "fun" facts about lice. 1. Lice outbreaks are very common in elementary schools on account of kids always being up in each other's personal space at this age; 2. Lice don't discriminate and actually prefer clean hair (they are repelled by hair products and have a hard time sticking to greasy hair); 3. Lice don't fly or jump! They slowly crawl from one head to another or from, say, a hat that is infested to a head (don't let kids share hats!); 4. Lice don't live long off a head. They need a host ::shudders:: to survive; 5. Lice are the bugs, but nits are the tiny little eggs that stick to the hair shaft. You have to get rid of both the lice and its nits in order to be infestation free. Nits don't come out with traditional products like RID or NIX. They have to be combed or picked out! This is where the phrase "nit picking" comes from. The more you know, right?
Why am I a freaking lice expert, you ask? Well, it's because a number of years back, my sassy oldest daughter came home with a crazy case of head lice. Not only that, but I ended up getting lice too! Excuse me while I drop dead and die from this awful memory.
It all began on a Tuesday, because nothing good ever happens on a Tuesday. I get a call from the school nurse. She says, "Everything is ok, but I need you to come pick your daughter up. I suspect she has lice...Hello?" After regaining consciousness, I told the nurse I'd be right there. When I get there, the nurse actually walks me over to Sassy Girl's head and shows me the tiny little nits that have taken up residence on her curly, long hair. She then gives me a strange look and says, "Do you want me to check your head too?" I am taken aback! Is this woman actually suggesting that I might have lice too? No freaking way, man. I've gotten through 32 years of my life without getting lice, no way would I have it. Right? RIGHT? I guess it wouldn't hurt to confirm what I already know, though. I allow her to check. The nurse takes one look at my head and says, "Yup. You got it too" in a matter of fact tone. It dawns on me: of course I'd have it too. We share a hair brush! After I briefly die and am resurrected, I race with my bug infested daughter to the pharmacy to buy out their lice killing section. I also buy a candy bar to throw off the cashier, of course. I call my husband and tell him that we need to strip all the beds and burn everything. Put everything in the dryer! Hose everyone off on the front lawn! We are Code Red, man. It is Defcon 5 up in this mother and we need all hands on deck!
When I get home, I calmly escort my daughter to the bathroom and proceed to douse her head with enough chemicals to kill a small animal. The instructions on the box of RID say to apply the shampoo, rinse it out after a set time and then comb through the hair with a flimsy plastic comb that came with the kit. A frantic google search tells me that you need to get the eggs too otherwise they hatch and the cycle starts again ::retching::.
I calmly try to follow the instructions on the box. Now that I'm aware of the problem, I can clearly see the little buggers on her head. How did I not notice this? I do this child's hair everyday. I am kicking myself now. Don't panic, I tell my daughter. It's no big deal. We will handle this. They are harmless bugs (they really are actually, but there was no telling me that in the moment). I'm trying to put on a brave face for her. She has to see that I am cool, calm and collected. I'm a grown woman, I can deal with this. Except I'm sweating profusely and this kid seems totally unconcerned about the whole thing! She's sitting there on the edge of the tub chewing gum like this is the most normal thing ever. My husband has disappeared at this point. I assume he's tearing the house to shreds and putting everything in the wash.
With Sassy Girl done, I look at myself in the mirror and begin to work on my own long hair. I first apply the toxic solution. Here is where all the wheels begin to fall off the wagon. I grab the little plastic comb and decide to drag it through my hair. Out of curiosity, of course. Did I really have lice? I do this and when I look at the comb I see the biggest freaking bug staring back at me. Immediately, the world loses all its color. I shove my daughter off the edge of the tub and dunk my head in the bathtub just screaming my head off. I am screaming at the top of my lungs. I am screaming for help! I don't know who I'm expecting to help me or how, but I'm screaming anyway, by God. My daughter is staring at me like I've done lost my mind - because I guess I technically have. My husband comes running into the bathroom because I'm screaming and he's trying to figure out what happened. Between sobs I tell him, "Gotta...do something! Bugs...in my....HAIRRRRR!!!" He takes down the shower head and shoots me in the face with the water. "We'll just wash this stuff out. Stop screaming. Shhhhhhhh!!!" "Do you understand that I have bugs in my f@*king hair?!" I yell back as he aims the nozzle at my head like a dog owner trying to spray stuck on poop off a driveway. Needless to say, this was not my finest hour.
I learned quickly, though, that these over the counter treatments are not that effective at getting the nits out. I could see them still hanging on after we did the shampoo. This was unacceptable to me. We are talking about my - I mean my daughter's precious head here. Did you know that there are companies in NJ that will remove all the lice and eggs from your head guaranteed? Well, now you know. I walked into the place with Sassy Girl and told the proprietor to hook us up. How much does this cost? A lot. But I honestly would have paid ONE MILLION DOLLARS (doctor evil voice) to not have to deal with this situation. They ran our heads through their treatment and after a few hours, we were lice free. Hallelujah! Thank God none of the boys in the family got lice. Those little buggers really love that long hair apparently. I cut my hair short after this incident. We have been happily lice free ever since.
What did I learn from this? I learned that I am much better at putting on a brave face and dealing with my kids' problems than I am when it comes to myself. In addition to finding out about professional lice removers, I also found non toxic solutions that work better than the harsh RID and NIX products. Fairytales is one such brand of products. There are also a ton of homemade recipes for removing lice. I did not try those because I am the type of person who needs immediate resolution! I also learned everything there is to learn about lice. So, if any of you parents ever experience this (and chances are good that you will), I'm your go-to girl.
And now that you are all scratching your heads, my work here is done!
And now that you are all scratching your heads, my work here is done!
As a special treat, readers, I've asked Sassy Girl to participate in a little Q&A on the blog! Read on to hear her thoughts...
Me: "So, what were you thinking when you found out you had lice?"
Sassy: "Well, I didn't really know what lice was, so I was ok about it. Even when I knew what it was, though, I still didn't really care."
Me: "Really!?"
Sassy: "Yup. Mom on the other hand was just screaming. It was like an earthquake of screams in the bathroom."
Me: "OK, shut up. Interview over."
