Fakebook

If all you ever knew about someone was based on their social media presence you might be tempted to believe that everyone lives a pretty charmed life. No strife, no struggle, no need to change their underpants 'cause clearly their shit don't stink.

You'd also be wrong, wrong, wrong. Social networking sites like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest are the equivalent of a perpetual first date: your legs are always shaved, your outfit's always tight, you're on your best behavior. You say all sorts of things people would never actually say in real life like "Look at my zillion carrot diamond ring!" or "just feeling sexy today!" Who talks like this? We do.  When we're on Facebook! 

There are actually people out there who become depressed when viewing other's pages because it seems to them that everyone else's life is so much better! See this article written about this phenomenon.

It's human nature, I suppose. We've probably all contributed to the myth that is our lives on social media. One thing that I try to remain aware of is that we never really know what goes on behind someone else's closed doors. You don't know what people are struggling with behind the posed stances and brilliant smiles. 

The same person who just posted a seemingly idyllic pic of themselves and their significant other wind-surfing in the South Pacific may have been arguing viciously with that person moments before the shutter clicked. 

That pic of a gourmet home cooked meal? The kids probably refused to eat it that night. They had chicken nuggets instead.

Those adorable pics of young siblings with their arms around one another? Their mom probably had to threaten them with extinction and then bribe them with candy to get them to sit still long enough to take the pic! It probably also took at least 104 crappy pics to get the one Facebook worthy shot.

Cute puppy dog pics? That little ball of fuzz probably crapped on the carpet later that day. 

Social networking sites provide a moment frozen in time without any context whatsoever. Those of us on the outside looking in might be thinking "gee, that person has the perfect life!" 

Nope! 

Nobody does. So, wish your friends well, but know that no one leads a perfect life. We wouldn't be human if we didn't experience the full compliment of existence: joy and struggle. Facebook is just particularly good at highlighting only the joyful parts. 

Dumpster Diving

I have a confession to make. A dirty little secret, if you will. It is really quite embarrassing, so this is going to be difficult for me:

I am a dumpster diver. 

There, I said it! My name is Surviving Mamahood and I am a dumpster diver. I am sure you're wondering "how did this happen?" Well, let me 'esplain. First, do me a favor and put down whatever it is that you are eating.  My apologies in advance. Thank you.

It all started on a rainy Spring afternoon. My then 7 year old daughter, who is a Girl Scout, had been collecting orders for the annual Cookie Sale. For those of you not familiar, each girl gets a super long order form to track their sales. You can also track on-line but that can be a pain in the ass, so most folks use these forms to write down the names of the customers as well as the type and number of boxes ordered.

Now let me be absolutely honest with you. When I say that my daughter was selling cookies, I really mean that my husband and I were selling cookies. Warning to any adults foolish enough to get mixed up in this cookie business: you will be the one stuck pimping out cookies. Because we are naturally competitive when it comes to selling we enlisted the help of family members to sell even more cookies! We were building an unstoppable cookie empire, ya'll! Before we knew it, we had collected literally hundreds of orders - all neatly documented on the cookie order form.

On that rainy afternoon, this sacred document was left behind at the local diner. To protect the innocent (me), I am not going to talk about how this form got left behind at the diner.  Suffice it to say that mistakes were made and yada, yada, yada. No, we did not keep a copy of the form as a back-up.

Anyway, as soon as we realized that the form had been left behind, we raced to the diner hoping that they had set the form aside for us. Surely they would have realized that this precious document was not junk?! Tough luck for us. The form was no where to be found. The kind waitress explained that the trash from that meal service had already been taken out back and put in the ... DUMPSTER. My husband and I locked eyes in horror. I am sure he was thinking "Gee that sucks, oh well we tried, right?" Me, being the super psycho control freak that I am thought, "I wonder if they would let us hop in the dumpster and have a look around?"

I am going to pause here for a second. I feel like I need to explain myself. Clearly, the normal adult reaction to such a thing would be to think, you know, this really sucks, but what can you do?  I'm not gonna get in a dumpster for a lousy piece of paper?  Am I right?  Bueller? Bueller?  The truth is that I am not normal, people.  I am a fixer by nature.  I don't take no for an answer and truly believe that with a little bit of hamburger elbow grease, any problem can be solved. I also routinely suffer from Hot Mess Syndrome. My brain was telling me that we had to get in the dumpster and try to find that order form.  My nose was telling me that I was going to be very sorry if I did. I should have listened to my nose.

My husband made the first valiant attempt at my urging.  He returned home in five minutes, no form in hand, with a completely disgusted look on his face.  "I lifted the lid of the dumpster and it was nasty.  I tried pushing a few bags over, but I didn't see anything.  I'm not going back there. That form is gone, babe."

Cut to me pulling into the parking lot of the diner armed with rubber gloves, my own garbage bag, a flash light (it was dusk now) and one of those flimsy face masks.  I tiptoed to where the dumpsters were located and used an empty can to stand up on so that I could peer into the dumpster.  I am 5'1 and this dumpster was big.  I couldn't really see over the edge, so I made the fateful decision to climb on in.

This was a diner dumpster.  Therefore its contents were an amalgamation of every type of diner food and artifact that you can imagine. I was adrift in a sea of half-eaten hamburgers, cooking lard, and vegetable peelings.  I stayed in this dumpster for nearly 25 minutes rooting through the trash bags like the world's saddest and largest raccoon.  At some point during those minutes, it began to drizzle. I stared up at the moon from inside that dumpster and imagined myself a tragic hero. Wouldn't everyone be surprised when I returned home victorious!  And you know what?  I didn't find the form. I had to drive home naked, shoe-less, stinky, and empty-handed.

After my husband hosed me off on our front porch, I went to bed that night feeling rather defeated and mortified.  I had climbed in a dumpster! For a stupid form! Anyway, we were ultimately able to fairly easily re-create the list, which again, adds to my mortification, but hey, it's a pretty decent war story!

What nonsense have you had to do in the name of helping your kids?

Boob Wars

Raise your hand if you clicked on my post expecting to see actual boobs! Gotcha! No boob pics today readers. OK, OK, here is a boob pic. Now that we got that out of the way, let's turn our attention to the true topic of today's post:  mama drama around breastfeeding.

Yes, I am an advocate of breastfeeding. I have breastfed all three of my children. My youngest is 14 months old and I still breastfeed him in the evenings.  Yes, I am an advocate of extended breastfeeding.  I don't think it is creepy or wrong to breastfeed a toddler. Most importantly, though, I am an advocate of feeding your child with love.  Period. I don't think that formula is toxic or bad and I don't think that mamas should be shamed into believing that they have somehow failed if they couldn't breastfeed (for whatever reason or no reason at all).  Is breast best? I think there is a general consensus among medical science, including the formula companies, that it is (assuming you are healthy of course), so you don't need me to go through all of that here. HOWEVER, newsflash: formula is not the devil! I have supplemented with formula in the past and did not feel guilty about doing so. Again, a baby fed with love is a happy baby.

There are some women who don't have a desire to breastfeed, so they happily use formula from the get go. There are other women who simply cannot breastfeed due to a medical condition or incompatible medication. At the end of the day, you have to do what is right for you and your baby. To these women I say, more power to you mama! There are other women who want so much to breastfeed, but simply cannot make it work.  They often feel guilt and terrible sadness over not being able to breastfeed.  My heart absolutely breaks for them. To these women I say this: 

Your bodies have not failed you. You have not failed your child.  

The truth is that you're operating at a disadvantage here. You have not been equipped with the tools to make breastfeeding work. You have not been given appropriate maternity leave to solidly establish your milk supply. You have been denied time and a clean place to pump. Your hospital or other healthcare provider might have insisted that your baby receive formula right away (despite any legitimate need for it). You might be the first women in your family in several generations to breastfeed. Your families and significant others may not have understood or supported your decision to breastfeed. Your breasts have been so sexualized by society, that the slightest glimpse of your flesh in public while nursing a child results in looks of disgust and outright hostility.  

These things are not your fault mama.

We need to do a better job of providing women with the resources and education that they need to make the breastfeeding relationship work. I highly recommend visiting a Lactation Consultant right away to talk about what a proper latch looks like and how to address any issues that might arise. As a start, here are some great resources that I have used: La Leche League, Kelly Mom, International Lactation Consultant Association. In a nation where two income households are the norm, workplace policies should provide accommodation to nursing moms (a clean, secure place to pump is a must).  For optimal success, everyone in that mama's support system needs to be on that boobie train cheering her on!

Above all else, though, let's be about supporting each other - not bashing each other's basic parenting decisions. Whether you formula feed or breastfeed, we are all in this together as mamas and that should be enough common ground to push us past all the petty bickering and grandstanding that usually accompanies this type of discussion. After all, there would be no "mommy wars" if moms didn't want to fight. 

Our Sacred Doody As Parents

As parents we are entrusted with raising our babies up to be good people and productive citizens. From potty training to job training - it's all a little daunting. In fact, if you really stopped to think about it, the enormity of that responsibility might overwhelm you.  Fear not, though! The chances of your sweet little Teddy pulling a Bundy on you are slim!

My philosophy has always been, if I can keep 'em alive long enough to make it to adulthood AND they don't experience an overwhelming urge to eat other people once they get there - I WIN! It was all worth it. Some of you might be thinking "Well, geez, that's not aiming very high is it? Don't you want your kids to be successful. Aren't you a lawyer yourself?" Yes! And I am a little bat shit crazy as a result of it! Sometimes I wonder: was I always crazy and practicing law has made things worse, or has the practice of law made me crazy?  (The people who know me, better not answer that).

I want my kids to be happy above all else. Don't get me wrong. I want them to succeed. I just don't think making big bucks is the only indicator of success.  I want them to pick a profession that will never feel like work to them. We spend far too much time in our places of business to be miserable. Luckily, my kids are still a long ways off from having to prepare resumes.  Top job contenders currently include pirate and ice cream taste tester.  As it should be.

I have to say, though, that my kids currently have a more active and fulfilling social life than I do.  I'm ok with that.  What I try to be weary of is over-scheduling them to the point where things are no longer fun.  If you are five and feel like your part-time job is to attend birthday parties, soccer practice, dance class, art class, etc., - something is wrong.  Whatever happened to playing outside?

What I like to do on a nice day is kick my kids outside of the house to play in the yard.  Once they are out there, I lock the screen door so they can't get back in. Yes, I said it. Of course, I stay within ear shot in case one of the little buggers bangs on the door (time to install a doggie door?).  It's a little old-school, but they're kids!  They need to run around outside and do kid things!  Like build a fort or dare each other to eat worms or something.  And for the love of God - have them turn off the (iPAD mini/Nook/Kindle/DS/Tablet) electronics.  

If you've managed to raise half-way normal people, my hat's off to you! Congrats! Now here's a pen and paper. Write down instruction for me showing exactly what you did.

Surviving Mamahood's Intro to Newborn: 101

I am re-posting my Intro to Newborn: 101 Guide here on my main blog.  I was lucky enough to guest post this topic on the The Martini Chronicles. Please check out The Professional Diva on her blog!

***

Over the last few years I have had the pleasure of witnessing some very good friends enter the mamahood for the very first time.  My youngest is now entering toddler-hood, but I can still recall his newborn stage quite vividly.  The truth is that this baby phase can be difficult to navigate whether you are a newbie mama or an old pro.

Granted, some babies are easier than others and no one's experiences are ever the same.  That said, there are some fairly universal truths about newborns that I think should be shared.  In that spirit, I present to you: Surviving Mamahood's Intro to Newborn: 101

(1) Your newborn is equipped with a particular set of skills. Those skills include, crying, eating, pooping, and sleeping. These may not seem like much, but newborns are natural multi-taskers. They can easily transition from one skill to another while sometimes demonstrating two or more skills at once! For example, pooping can be combined with eating, crying, and sleeping!  Who says babies are boring?!

(2) Did I mention that newborns like to poop?  It cannot be overstated enough:  newborns. poop. lots.  In the beginning they go pretty much every time they eat, which is very frequently.  So, steel yourself mentally and dress appropriately for diaper changes.  A rain coast and eye protection are a must.

(3) Babies are like honey badgers. They don't give a f*ck.  The truth is that babies aren't supposed to care whether you are tired, hungry, disheveled, or unwashed. If you find yourself groggily trying to reason with your newborn at 3:00 a.m., using phrases like "But mommy has to work in the morning" or "I'll pay you for one more hour of sleep" - know that your precious baby does not accept AMEX. See number 1 above for the complete list of newborn concerns. Take heart as this stage doesn't last forever.  Eventually they will be able to clearly tell you that they don't care - which is a step up from crying all the time!  

(4) Human babies are amongst the most defenseless in the animal kingdom - unless they get ahold of a lock of your hair. With your hair firmly grasped within their tiny baby claws, they transform into Kung-Fu-Master-Jedi-Knights with the power to rip your scalp clear off your head. Therefore, wear a hair net whenever possible. Even better just go ahead and shave your head. 

(5) Infant poop is a master of misdirection. It can appear at a moment's notice or with no notice at all! Just opening a diaper thinking that you're changing a number 1? Surprise! It's number 2. Just cleaning up after an epic number 2? Too slow! Here comes the encore. Felt sure that the baby must have done a poop, but upon opening the diaper, you realize that the poop is gone? Look down. There it is on the floor! Never underestimate your opponent, folks. 

(6) Older babies completely lack the basic instinct of self-preservation. They are naturally fearless creatures who will not hesitate to roll themselves off any available high surface. They really can't help it. Install some carpets around typical landing zones - bed, next to sofa, changing table, etc. Disclaimer: of course the best prevention is keeping a close eye on the little bugger so they don't actually perform this particular magic trick.  I speak from experience here (ok, ok, maybe three or four experiences - tops). 

(7) Babies are natural connoisseurs. Their palates are quite sophisticated and like the evil chef in Ratatouille, they will not hesitate to slap an unsatisfactory spoonful of banana-barely-quinoa purée out of your shaking hands. Don't take it personally mama. View it as encouragement.  Your baby is just testing you to prove how strong you are!

(8) Your newborn is very much like an under-achieving college kid: she sleeps during the day so she has enough energy to party like a rock-star at night! This too is entirely normal and will pass as she begins to fall into a more predictable sleep pattern.  In the meantime, catch those zzzzz's while you can.  If sleeping during the day is not possible for you, I got one word for you: coffee.

Above all, though, remember that your newborn won't be new forever!  Soon, those cranky frowny faces will give way to smiles, coos, and giggles. Sleepless nights will get less sleepless (maybe not entirely restful, but better) and feedings more predictable.  So to those of you in the newborn trenches: hang in there baby!  The best is yet to come.

Did I miss any universal truths about newborns? Let me know in the comments.

The Truth Is: You Can't Have It ALL

I am a young working mama who struggles on a daily basis to find the proper balance between work and life.  I have to say that more often than not I am left with the feeling that I haven't done either work or life very much justice. It is a feeling that I am sure many of you share (women and men alike).  I feel this way despite the fact that I have a husband who shares equally in domestic responsibilities and a solid family support system ready and willing to offer assistance in a pinch.  I don't know how the single parents out there do it - big ups to you my friends.

In Sheryl Sandberg's book, "Lean In," she essentially advocates a position that is not new to working moms:  don't be scared to work harder!  You too can be just as successful as your male counterparts if you're not afraid to seize the same opportunities!  There is a reason why there are so few women in positions of authority: CEOs, VPs, business owners, partners in law firms, etc.  I do not believe that it is because women are less capable or motivated.  I have known many brilliant women who when confronted with continuing up a particular ladder - to what many would consider the pinnacle of their profession - decided to make a career change for "lifestyle" reasons.  For the uninitiated, "lifestyle" reasons = "I got kids now, fool!  You can't expect me to be schlepping all over the country when I got kids who need their mama!"  Or something like that.

The lack of effective workplace policies that reflect the reality of working parents (maternity/paternity leave, flex time, alternative schedules, remote working, etc.) further drives otherwise talented individuals to seek more "flexible" employment.  The truth is that these people are disproportionately working mothers and there are few women who can truly "lean in" the way Sheryl Sandberg suggests.  I don't know what the answer is to making this situation better, but I do know that the onus cannot solely be on the working mother.  Sure, we need to be better advocates for ourselves and our careers, but the places that employ us should have to step up too.  Family dynamics have changed, the workforce has changed, and so it follows that institutions, businesses, and companies should change too.

I was an associate in a law firm for five years doing what all associates in a law firm do: work their butts off, work on the weekends, travel for work.  That is the law firm structure and while I was aware of that when I entered the profession there aren't many first year associates who really think about how they are going to ascend the corporate ladder while juggling their work load and motherhood.  When you are repeatedly told that you can "have it all" it is easy to believe that things will work themselves out. 

To make matters a bit more complicated, I was already married and had a 3 month old baby when I began my legal career.  As a family, we made things work as best as we could and after two years we even added another child to the mix.  Look at me go! Except, I don't know that I was "leaning in" so much as desperately trying not to fall over.  So, I made a career change that many women in law firms make - I accepted an in-house counsel position at a company.  Am I still working my butt off?  You betcha!  But, I don't have the same stress hanging over me (am I on partnership track? how do I develop clients?) and that makes a world of difference in my ability to leave work at work and focus on my family when I am home. I realized that the law firm life was probably not the best fit for me or my family. 

To be clear, I am not saying that working moms can't make it in law firms.  To the contrary, I know many amazing women who are making it work on a daily basis.  What I am saying is that there are difficult choices to be made when considering whether to continue on a particular career path.  There are trade-offs and sacrifices that must be made.  If you think that you can work 80 hour weeks, travel endlessly, and still have dinner on the table every night, attend every soccer game and be a she-wolf in the bedroom.....just STOP.  Stop it.  You are making yourself and everyone else around you crazy.  lol.  It is all about setting your own expectations and being at peace with your decisions.  You cannot have it ALL.  You can have a little bit of everything, though.  And I think that's ok too.

Hot Mess Syndrome

Do you suffer from Hot Mess Syndrome (HMS)? Do you care for someone who might be suffering from HMS?  If so, this post is for you. There are distinct signs and symptoms unique to individuals suffering from HMS.  Noticing the signs and being properly diagnosed is the first step toward obtaining the right course of treatment.  Sadly, there is no cure for HMS, but sufferers have been known to experience remission from time to time.

Please take the below quiz to determine whether you may suffer from this debilitating illness:

(1) Have you ever left your home wearing one blue shoe and one black shoe? Alternatively, do you own a pair of white panty hose that you insist on matching with white pumps?

(2) Do you eat pop-tarts for breakfast?  Lunchables for lunch?

(3) Do you own a pair of pants with the word "Juicy" emblazoned on the behind, only you do not actually have a behind?  And you continue to wear them talking about some "I look good guuuurrrrl!"

(4) When you leave your home on Monday morning, are you sometimes wearing the same clothes that your neighbors, if called to testify, could confirm you were wearing all weekend?

(5) Have you allowed your eyebrow and/or mustache hair to get so out of control that small children in the mall come up to you questioning your gender?  A typical query from a small child might sound something like "Are you a boy or a girl?"

(6) Have you ever lost your keys, adamantly blamed everyone and their mama for taking them, and later found those keys in the refrigerator?

(7) Are you constantly repeating yourself?  Are you constantly repeating yourself?

(8) When you take off your shoes at the nail salon does your nail technician immediately begin chattering to her colleagues in a language you can't understand?

(9) Quick check a mirror. Is there lipstick on your teeth or under your lip? Are your penciled-in eyebrows askew? Do you have enough powder on your face to qualify as a donut? 

(10)  Do your co-workers know not to schedule meetings before 11:00 a.m., because the likelihood of you being in the office before then is about as likely as your child being REALLY sorry for whatever you sent him to time-out for.

(11) Do all your pictures on Facebook primarily feature your own face? Are you sporting massive duck face in those pictures - in a totally non-ironic way? Are you nodding your head right now? Ok, now slap yourself.

(12) Do your children have a "look" that they exchange amongst themselves in your presence to simultaneously convey confusion and pity?

If you answered "Yes" to any of these questions, you have a strong risk factor for HMS.  Note that your risk factor increases with each subsequent child.

Please call 1-800-TAKEANAPDAMMIT for more information on combating this disease. You are not alone. 

Readers, are you currently suffering from HMS? 

Parenting Laws of Nature

In this life there are few absolutes. Death. Taxes. Broccoli - that was stuck in your teeth during an important business meeting only you discover said broccoli AFTER the meeting is over and realize that not one darn person had the decency to tell you.  Dear readers, please believe that if I ever see you walking around with something in your teeth, or your fly open, or your skirt tucked into the back of your panty hose - I will not hesitate to tell you. 'Cause that's just how I roll.

Now, there are certain absolute laws of parenting. These are laws that cannot be bypassed or circumvented. If you are a parent, you WILL experience these laws in action. Let's take a closer look at the top five:

(1) Your need to take an important phone call will always coincide with your off-spring's need to tell you something so absolutely-freaking-positively-critical that he or she will surely die without your undivided attention. NOW. (Usually the crisis involves something like a broken cracker or a lint ball on his or her's shirt, but I digress).

(2) A child's need to use the bathroom is inversely related to whatever you can imagine as the most inopportune time/place to use the bathroom. Like after you've already smooshed your butt in the faces of a thousand people you've had to climb over to reach your seats on a crowded (bus, train, plane, etc.) or anywhere that only has porta-potties available within a 5 mile radius. Have you ever had to explain to a child what in God's name a porta-potty is and why it looks like THAT? Of course you have. 

(3) If you have two or more children, all will get sick either simultaneously or in rapid succession leaving you a ragged, sleepless mess. The illness will usually involve projectile vomit (which will always end up on a carpet, if one is anywhere in your home).  Kid vomit will find carpet or other hard to clean surfaces like a heat seeking missile, so don't even bother trying to protect them. Note: If you are a woman, you will not catch what the kids have. However, your husband will, so be prepared for double doody <<<<<see what I did there.

(4) Your kid's most god-awful, cringe inducing temper tantrums will always occur on cue right at the moment you are either (a) bragging about what a well behaved kid you have or (b) ragging on someone else's bad ass kids. Your kid will probably also take that moment to hit or steal something from the child of whomever you were just speaking to.  At this point you will likely blame the whole thing on the lack of a nap. Stop yourself. You're lying and it's embarrassing.

(5) A kid's ability to hurry decreases in response to your need to do anything quickly. Need to leave the house at 8:00 a.m. so you have a decent shot of dropping the kids off at school and making it to work on time? Sike! Should've left at 5:00 a.m. sucker. Suddenly, shoes have disappeared, tooth brushes are MIA, a "surprise" piece of homework materializes at the last minute, and you are LATE. Again.

Did I miss any laws? Let me know in the comments.

Into the Mamahood

My oldest child will be turning 8 in just a week.  As I think back on the beginning of my journey into The Mamahood, I am frankly amazed that I was able to keep the child alive in the early days.  My daughter was a screamer crier. She cried sun up to sun down.  Sometimes I cried right along with her. I cried in only the way a post-partum woman can cry - dry heaving and snots running down the face and all.  I think most of our crying finally stopped when she was able to speak.  Sadly, the learning to communicate phase coincides with the terrible twos (also threes, fours, and if you were a truly evil person in a past life - fives).  Note: I was clearly a serial killer in my past life.

So, we muddled along during those early years just trying to figure stuff out: how to transition from bottle to cup, how to get her out of our bed (we co-slept), how to give an appropriate "time out" (of which there were many!).  I firmly believe that a child's innate personality is evident at a very early age. You can spot a strong willed personality right away.  My "mimi girl" is without a doubt my strongest willed child.  I don't think I appreciated that personality trait as much when she was a toddler, but I think that it has truly served her well as she has gotten older.  My girl is not a quitter.  She speaks up for what she feels is right.  She defends and protects her younger brothers.  She is my wing girl and right-hand lady.  She makes me proud each and every day.

My point is, if you find yourself awake in the wee hours of the night with a crying baby, or chasing a naked, enraged toddler who insists on picking her own clothes, fear not!  That sassy baby will get older and when she does, you'll be thanking your lucky stars for her spirited nature.  Happy early birthday to my mimi!