Parenting Laws of Nature

In this life there are few absolutes. Death. Taxes. Broccoli - that was stuck in your teeth during an important business meeting only you discover said broccoli AFTER the meeting is over and realize that not one darn person had the decency to tell you.  Dear readers, please believe that if I ever see you walking around with something in your teeth, or your fly open, or your skirt tucked into the back of your panty hose - I will not hesitate to tell you. 'Cause that's just how I roll.

Now, there are certain absolute laws of parenting. These are laws that cannot be bypassed or circumvented. If you are a parent, you WILL experience these laws in action. Let's take a closer look at the top five:

(1) Your need to take an important phone call will always coincide with your off-spring's need to tell you something so absolutely-freaking-positively-critical that he or she will surely die without your undivided attention. NOW. (Usually the crisis involves something like a broken cracker or a lint ball on his or her's shirt, but I digress).

(2) A child's need to use the bathroom is inversely related to whatever you can imagine as the most inopportune time/place to use the bathroom. Like after you've already smooshed your butt in the faces of a thousand people you've had to climb over to reach your seats on a crowded (bus, train, plane, etc.) or anywhere that only has porta-potties available within a 5 mile radius. Have you ever had to explain to a child what in God's name a porta-potty is and why it looks like THAT? Of course you have. 

(3) If you have two or more children, all will get sick either simultaneously or in rapid succession leaving you a ragged, sleepless mess. The illness will usually involve projectile vomit (which will always end up on a carpet, if one is anywhere in your home).  Kid vomit will find carpet or other hard to clean surfaces like a heat seeking missile, so don't even bother trying to protect them. Note: If you are a woman, you will not catch what the kids have. However, your husband will, so be prepared for double doody <<<<<see what I did there.

(4) Your kid's most god-awful, cringe inducing temper tantrums will always occur on cue right at the moment you are either (a) bragging about what a well behaved kid you have or (b) ragging on someone else's bad ass kids. Your kid will probably also take that moment to hit or steal something from the child of whomever you were just speaking to.  At this point you will likely blame the whole thing on the lack of a nap. Stop yourself. You're lying and it's embarrassing.

(5) A kid's ability to hurry decreases in response to your need to do anything quickly. Need to leave the house at 8:00 a.m. so you have a decent shot of dropping the kids off at school and making it to work on time? Sike! Should've left at 5:00 a.m. sucker. Suddenly, shoes have disappeared, tooth brushes are MIA, a "surprise" piece of homework materializes at the last minute, and you are LATE. Again.

Did I miss any laws? Let me know in the comments.