Boob Wars

Raise your hand if you clicked on my post expecting to see actual boobs! Gotcha! No boob pics today readers. OK, OK, here is a boob pic. Now that we got that out of the way, let's turn our attention to the true topic of today's post:  mama drama around breastfeeding.

Yes, I am an advocate of breastfeeding. I have breastfed all three of my children. My youngest is 14 months old and I still breastfeed him in the evenings.  Yes, I am an advocate of extended breastfeeding.  I don't think it is creepy or wrong to breastfeed a toddler. Most importantly, though, I am an advocate of feeding your child with love.  Period. I don't think that formula is toxic or bad and I don't think that mamas should be shamed into believing that they have somehow failed if they couldn't breastfeed (for whatever reason or no reason at all).  Is breast best? I think there is a general consensus among medical science, including the formula companies, that it is (assuming you are healthy of course), so you don't need me to go through all of that here. HOWEVER, newsflash: formula is not the devil! I have supplemented with formula in the past and did not feel guilty about doing so. Again, a baby fed with love is a happy baby.

There are some women who don't have a desire to breastfeed, so they happily use formula from the get go. There are other women who simply cannot breastfeed due to a medical condition or incompatible medication. At the end of the day, you have to do what is right for you and your baby. To these women I say, more power to you mama! There are other women who want so much to breastfeed, but simply cannot make it work.  They often feel guilt and terrible sadness over not being able to breastfeed.  My heart absolutely breaks for them. To these women I say this: 

Your bodies have not failed you. You have not failed your child.  

The truth is that you're operating at a disadvantage here. You have not been equipped with the tools to make breastfeeding work. You have not been given appropriate maternity leave to solidly establish your milk supply. You have been denied time and a clean place to pump. Your hospital or other healthcare provider might have insisted that your baby receive formula right away (despite any legitimate need for it). You might be the first women in your family in several generations to breastfeed. Your families and significant others may not have understood or supported your decision to breastfeed. Your breasts have been so sexualized by society, that the slightest glimpse of your flesh in public while nursing a child results in looks of disgust and outright hostility.  

These things are not your fault mama.

We need to do a better job of providing women with the resources and education that they need to make the breastfeeding relationship work. I highly recommend visiting a Lactation Consultant right away to talk about what a proper latch looks like and how to address any issues that might arise. As a start, here are some great resources that I have used: La Leche League, Kelly Mom, International Lactation Consultant Association. In a nation where two income households are the norm, workplace policies should provide accommodation to nursing moms (a clean, secure place to pump is a must).  For optimal success, everyone in that mama's support system needs to be on that boobie train cheering her on!

Above all else, though, let's be about supporting each other - not bashing each other's basic parenting decisions. Whether you formula feed or breastfeed, we are all in this together as mamas and that should be enough common ground to push us past all the petty bickering and grandstanding that usually accompanies this type of discussion. After all, there would be no "mommy wars" if moms didn't want to fight. 

Our Sacred Doody As Parents

As parents we are entrusted with raising our babies up to be good people and productive citizens. From potty training to job training - it's all a little daunting. In fact, if you really stopped to think about it, the enormity of that responsibility might overwhelm you.  Fear not, though! The chances of your sweet little Teddy pulling a Bundy on you are slim!

My philosophy has always been, if I can keep 'em alive long enough to make it to adulthood AND they don't experience an overwhelming urge to eat other people once they get there - I WIN! It was all worth it. Some of you might be thinking "Well, geez, that's not aiming very high is it? Don't you want your kids to be successful. Aren't you a lawyer yourself?" Yes! And I am a little bat shit crazy as a result of it! Sometimes I wonder: was I always crazy and practicing law has made things worse, or has the practice of law made me crazy?  (The people who know me, better not answer that).

I want my kids to be happy above all else. Don't get me wrong. I want them to succeed. I just don't think making big bucks is the only indicator of success.  I want them to pick a profession that will never feel like work to them. We spend far too much time in our places of business to be miserable. Luckily, my kids are still a long ways off from having to prepare resumes.  Top job contenders currently include pirate and ice cream taste tester.  As it should be.

I have to say, though, that my kids currently have a more active and fulfilling social life than I do.  I'm ok with that.  What I try to be weary of is over-scheduling them to the point where things are no longer fun.  If you are five and feel like your part-time job is to attend birthday parties, soccer practice, dance class, art class, etc., - something is wrong.  Whatever happened to playing outside?

What I like to do on a nice day is kick my kids outside of the house to play in the yard.  Once they are out there, I lock the screen door so they can't get back in. Yes, I said it. Of course, I stay within ear shot in case one of the little buggers bangs on the door (time to install a doggie door?).  It's a little old-school, but they're kids!  They need to run around outside and do kid things!  Like build a fort or dare each other to eat worms or something.  And for the love of God - have them turn off the (iPAD mini/Nook/Kindle/DS/Tablet) electronics.  

If you've managed to raise half-way normal people, my hat's off to you! Congrats! Now here's a pen and paper. Write down instruction for me showing exactly what you did.

Surviving Mamahood's Intro to Newborn: 101

I am re-posting my Intro to Newborn: 101 Guide here on my main blog.  I was lucky enough to guest post this topic on the The Martini Chronicles. Please check out The Professional Diva on her blog!

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Over the last few years I have had the pleasure of witnessing some very good friends enter the mamahood for the very first time.  My youngest is now entering toddler-hood, but I can still recall his newborn stage quite vividly.  The truth is that this baby phase can be difficult to navigate whether you are a newbie mama or an old pro.

Granted, some babies are easier than others and no one's experiences are ever the same.  That said, there are some fairly universal truths about newborns that I think should be shared.  In that spirit, I present to you: Surviving Mamahood's Intro to Newborn: 101

(1) Your newborn is equipped with a particular set of skills. Those skills include, crying, eating, pooping, and sleeping. These may not seem like much, but newborns are natural multi-taskers. They can easily transition from one skill to another while sometimes demonstrating two or more skills at once! For example, pooping can be combined with eating, crying, and sleeping!  Who says babies are boring?!

(2) Did I mention that newborns like to poop?  It cannot be overstated enough:  newborns. poop. lots.  In the beginning they go pretty much every time they eat, which is very frequently.  So, steel yourself mentally and dress appropriately for diaper changes.  A rain coast and eye protection are a must.

(3) Babies are like honey badgers. They don't give a f*ck.  The truth is that babies aren't supposed to care whether you are tired, hungry, disheveled, or unwashed. If you find yourself groggily trying to reason with your newborn at 3:00 a.m., using phrases like "But mommy has to work in the morning" or "I'll pay you for one more hour of sleep" - know that your precious baby does not accept AMEX. See number 1 above for the complete list of newborn concerns. Take heart as this stage doesn't last forever.  Eventually they will be able to clearly tell you that they don't care - which is a step up from crying all the time!  

(4) Human babies are amongst the most defenseless in the animal kingdom - unless they get ahold of a lock of your hair. With your hair firmly grasped within their tiny baby claws, they transform into Kung-Fu-Master-Jedi-Knights with the power to rip your scalp clear off your head. Therefore, wear a hair net whenever possible. Even better just go ahead and shave your head. 

(5) Infant poop is a master of misdirection. It can appear at a moment's notice or with no notice at all! Just opening a diaper thinking that you're changing a number 1? Surprise! It's number 2. Just cleaning up after an epic number 2? Too slow! Here comes the encore. Felt sure that the baby must have done a poop, but upon opening the diaper, you realize that the poop is gone? Look down. There it is on the floor! Never underestimate your opponent, folks. 

(6) Older babies completely lack the basic instinct of self-preservation. They are naturally fearless creatures who will not hesitate to roll themselves off any available high surface. They really can't help it. Install some carpets around typical landing zones - bed, next to sofa, changing table, etc. Disclaimer: of course the best prevention is keeping a close eye on the little bugger so they don't actually perform this particular magic trick.  I speak from experience here (ok, ok, maybe three or four experiences - tops). 

(7) Babies are natural connoisseurs. Their palates are quite sophisticated and like the evil chef in Ratatouille, they will not hesitate to slap an unsatisfactory spoonful of banana-barely-quinoa purée out of your shaking hands. Don't take it personally mama. View it as encouragement.  Your baby is just testing you to prove how strong you are!

(8) Your newborn is very much like an under-achieving college kid: she sleeps during the day so she has enough energy to party like a rock-star at night! This too is entirely normal and will pass as she begins to fall into a more predictable sleep pattern.  In the meantime, catch those zzzzz's while you can.  If sleeping during the day is not possible for you, I got one word for you: coffee.

Above all, though, remember that your newborn won't be new forever!  Soon, those cranky frowny faces will give way to smiles, coos, and giggles. Sleepless nights will get less sleepless (maybe not entirely restful, but better) and feedings more predictable.  So to those of you in the newborn trenches: hang in there baby!  The best is yet to come.

Did I miss any universal truths about newborns? Let me know in the comments.

The Truth Is: You Can't Have It ALL

I am a young working mama who struggles on a daily basis to find the proper balance between work and life.  I have to say that more often than not I am left with the feeling that I haven't done either work or life very much justice. It is a feeling that I am sure many of you share (women and men alike).  I feel this way despite the fact that I have a husband who shares equally in domestic responsibilities and a solid family support system ready and willing to offer assistance in a pinch.  I don't know how the single parents out there do it - big ups to you my friends.

In Sheryl Sandberg's book, "Lean In," she essentially advocates a position that is not new to working moms:  don't be scared to work harder!  You too can be just as successful as your male counterparts if you're not afraid to seize the same opportunities!  There is a reason why there are so few women in positions of authority: CEOs, VPs, business owners, partners in law firms, etc.  I do not believe that it is because women are less capable or motivated.  I have known many brilliant women who when confronted with continuing up a particular ladder - to what many would consider the pinnacle of their profession - decided to make a career change for "lifestyle" reasons.  For the uninitiated, "lifestyle" reasons = "I got kids now, fool!  You can't expect me to be schlepping all over the country when I got kids who need their mama!"  Or something like that.

The lack of effective workplace policies that reflect the reality of working parents (maternity/paternity leave, flex time, alternative schedules, remote working, etc.) further drives otherwise talented individuals to seek more "flexible" employment.  The truth is that these people are disproportionately working mothers and there are few women who can truly "lean in" the way Sheryl Sandberg suggests.  I don't know what the answer is to making this situation better, but I do know that the onus cannot solely be on the working mother.  Sure, we need to be better advocates for ourselves and our careers, but the places that employ us should have to step up too.  Family dynamics have changed, the workforce has changed, and so it follows that institutions, businesses, and companies should change too.

I was an associate in a law firm for five years doing what all associates in a law firm do: work their butts off, work on the weekends, travel for work.  That is the law firm structure and while I was aware of that when I entered the profession there aren't many first year associates who really think about how they are going to ascend the corporate ladder while juggling their work load and motherhood.  When you are repeatedly told that you can "have it all" it is easy to believe that things will work themselves out. 

To make matters a bit more complicated, I was already married and had a 3 month old baby when I began my legal career.  As a family, we made things work as best as we could and after two years we even added another child to the mix.  Look at me go! Except, I don't know that I was "leaning in" so much as desperately trying not to fall over.  So, I made a career change that many women in law firms make - I accepted an in-house counsel position at a company.  Am I still working my butt off?  You betcha!  But, I don't have the same stress hanging over me (am I on partnership track? how do I develop clients?) and that makes a world of difference in my ability to leave work at work and focus on my family when I am home. I realized that the law firm life was probably not the best fit for me or my family. 

To be clear, I am not saying that working moms can't make it in law firms.  To the contrary, I know many amazing women who are making it work on a daily basis.  What I am saying is that there are difficult choices to be made when considering whether to continue on a particular career path.  There are trade-offs and sacrifices that must be made.  If you think that you can work 80 hour weeks, travel endlessly, and still have dinner on the table every night, attend every soccer game and be a she-wolf in the bedroom.....just STOP.  Stop it.  You are making yourself and everyone else around you crazy.  lol.  It is all about setting your own expectations and being at peace with your decisions.  You cannot have it ALL.  You can have a little bit of everything, though.  And I think that's ok too.