The Truth Is: You Can't Have It ALL

I am a young working mama who struggles on a daily basis to find the proper balance between work and life.  I have to say that more often than not I am left with the feeling that I haven't done either work or life very much justice. It is a feeling that I am sure many of you share (women and men alike).  I feel this way despite the fact that I have a husband who shares equally in domestic responsibilities and a solid family support system ready and willing to offer assistance in a pinch.  I don't know how the single parents out there do it - big ups to you my friends.

In Sheryl Sandberg's book, "Lean In," she essentially advocates a position that is not new to working moms:  don't be scared to work harder!  You too can be just as successful as your male counterparts if you're not afraid to seize the same opportunities!  There is a reason why there are so few women in positions of authority: CEOs, VPs, business owners, partners in law firms, etc.  I do not believe that it is because women are less capable or motivated.  I have known many brilliant women who when confronted with continuing up a particular ladder - to what many would consider the pinnacle of their profession - decided to make a career change for "lifestyle" reasons.  For the uninitiated, "lifestyle" reasons = "I got kids now, fool!  You can't expect me to be schlepping all over the country when I got kids who need their mama!"  Or something like that.

The lack of effective workplace policies that reflect the reality of working parents (maternity/paternity leave, flex time, alternative schedules, remote working, etc.) further drives otherwise talented individuals to seek more "flexible" employment.  The truth is that these people are disproportionately working mothers and there are few women who can truly "lean in" the way Sheryl Sandberg suggests.  I don't know what the answer is to making this situation better, but I do know that the onus cannot solely be on the working mother.  Sure, we need to be better advocates for ourselves and our careers, but the places that employ us should have to step up too.  Family dynamics have changed, the workforce has changed, and so it follows that institutions, businesses, and companies should change too.

I was an associate in a law firm for five years doing what all associates in a law firm do: work their butts off, work on the weekends, travel for work.  That is the law firm structure and while I was aware of that when I entered the profession there aren't many first year associates who really think about how they are going to ascend the corporate ladder while juggling their work load and motherhood.  When you are repeatedly told that you can "have it all" it is easy to believe that things will work themselves out. 

To make matters a bit more complicated, I was already married and had a 3 month old baby when I began my legal career.  As a family, we made things work as best as we could and after two years we even added another child to the mix.  Look at me go! Except, I don't know that I was "leaning in" so much as desperately trying not to fall over.  So, I made a career change that many women in law firms make - I accepted an in-house counsel position at a company.  Am I still working my butt off?  You betcha!  But, I don't have the same stress hanging over me (am I on partnership track? how do I develop clients?) and that makes a world of difference in my ability to leave work at work and focus on my family when I am home. I realized that the law firm life was probably not the best fit for me or my family. 

To be clear, I am not saying that working moms can't make it in law firms.  To the contrary, I know many amazing women who are making it work on a daily basis.  What I am saying is that there are difficult choices to be made when considering whether to continue on a particular career path.  There are trade-offs and sacrifices that must be made.  If you think that you can work 80 hour weeks, travel endlessly, and still have dinner on the table every night, attend every soccer game and be a she-wolf in the bedroom.....just STOP.  Stop it.  You are making yourself and everyone else around you crazy.  lol.  It is all about setting your own expectations and being at peace with your decisions.  You cannot have it ALL.  You can have a little bit of everything, though.  And I think that's ok too.