Hot Mess Syndrome

Do you suffer from Hot Mess Syndrome (HMS)? Do you care for someone who might be suffering from HMS?  If so, this post is for you. There are distinct signs and symptoms unique to individuals suffering from HMS.  Noticing the signs and being properly diagnosed is the first step toward obtaining the right course of treatment.  Sadly, there is no cure for HMS, but sufferers have been known to experience remission from time to time.

Please take the below quiz to determine whether you may suffer from this debilitating illness:

(1) Have you ever left your home wearing one blue shoe and one black shoe? Alternatively, do you own a pair of white panty hose that you insist on matching with white pumps?

(2) Do you eat pop-tarts for breakfast?  Lunchables for lunch?

(3) Do you own a pair of pants with the word "Juicy" emblazoned on the behind, only you do not actually have a behind?  And you continue to wear them talking about some "I look good guuuurrrrl!"

(4) When you leave your home on Monday morning, are you sometimes wearing the same clothes that your neighbors, if called to testify, could confirm you were wearing all weekend?

(5) Have you allowed your eyebrow and/or mustache hair to get so out of control that small children in the mall come up to you questioning your gender?  A typical query from a small child might sound something like "Are you a boy or a girl?"

(6) Have you ever lost your keys, adamantly blamed everyone and their mama for taking them, and later found those keys in the refrigerator?

(7) Are you constantly repeating yourself?  Are you constantly repeating yourself?

(8) When you take off your shoes at the nail salon does your nail technician immediately begin chattering to her colleagues in a language you can't understand?

(9) Quick check a mirror. Is there lipstick on your teeth or under your lip? Are your penciled-in eyebrows askew? Do you have enough powder on your face to qualify as a donut? 

(10)  Do your co-workers know not to schedule meetings before 11:00 a.m., because the likelihood of you being in the office before then is about as likely as your child being REALLY sorry for whatever you sent him to time-out for.

(11) Do all your pictures on Facebook primarily feature your own face? Are you sporting massive duck face in those pictures - in a totally non-ironic way? Are you nodding your head right now? Ok, now slap yourself.

(12) Do your children have a "look" that they exchange amongst themselves in your presence to simultaneously convey confusion and pity?

If you answered "Yes" to any of these questions, you have a strong risk factor for HMS.  Note that your risk factor increases with each subsequent child.

Please call 1-800-TAKEANAPDAMMIT for more information on combating this disease. You are not alone. 

Readers, are you currently suffering from HMS? 

Parenting Laws of Nature

In this life there are few absolutes. Death. Taxes. Broccoli - that was stuck in your teeth during an important business meeting only you discover said broccoli AFTER the meeting is over and realize that not one darn person had the decency to tell you.  Dear readers, please believe that if I ever see you walking around with something in your teeth, or your fly open, or your skirt tucked into the back of your panty hose - I will not hesitate to tell you. 'Cause that's just how I roll.

Now, there are certain absolute laws of parenting. These are laws that cannot be bypassed or circumvented. If you are a parent, you WILL experience these laws in action. Let's take a closer look at the top five:

(1) Your need to take an important phone call will always coincide with your off-spring's need to tell you something so absolutely-freaking-positively-critical that he or she will surely die without your undivided attention. NOW. (Usually the crisis involves something like a broken cracker or a lint ball on his or her's shirt, but I digress).

(2) A child's need to use the bathroom is inversely related to whatever you can imagine as the most inopportune time/place to use the bathroom. Like after you've already smooshed your butt in the faces of a thousand people you've had to climb over to reach your seats on a crowded (bus, train, plane, etc.) or anywhere that only has porta-potties available within a 5 mile radius. Have you ever had to explain to a child what in God's name a porta-potty is and why it looks like THAT? Of course you have. 

(3) If you have two or more children, all will get sick either simultaneously or in rapid succession leaving you a ragged, sleepless mess. The illness will usually involve projectile vomit (which will always end up on a carpet, if one is anywhere in your home).  Kid vomit will find carpet or other hard to clean surfaces like a heat seeking missile, so don't even bother trying to protect them. Note: If you are a woman, you will not catch what the kids have. However, your husband will, so be prepared for double doody <<<<<see what I did there.

(4) Your kid's most god-awful, cringe inducing temper tantrums will always occur on cue right at the moment you are either (a) bragging about what a well behaved kid you have or (b) ragging on someone else's bad ass kids. Your kid will probably also take that moment to hit or steal something from the child of whomever you were just speaking to.  At this point you will likely blame the whole thing on the lack of a nap. Stop yourself. You're lying and it's embarrassing.

(5) A kid's ability to hurry decreases in response to your need to do anything quickly. Need to leave the house at 8:00 a.m. so you have a decent shot of dropping the kids off at school and making it to work on time? Sike! Should've left at 5:00 a.m. sucker. Suddenly, shoes have disappeared, tooth brushes are MIA, a "surprise" piece of homework materializes at the last minute, and you are LATE. Again.

Did I miss any laws? Let me know in the comments.

Into the Mamahood

My oldest child will be turning 8 in just a week.  As I think back on the beginning of my journey into The Mamahood, I am frankly amazed that I was able to keep the child alive in the early days.  My daughter was a screamer crier. She cried sun up to sun down.  Sometimes I cried right along with her. I cried in only the way a post-partum woman can cry - dry heaving and snots running down the face and all.  I think most of our crying finally stopped when she was able to speak.  Sadly, the learning to communicate phase coincides with the terrible twos (also threes, fours, and if you were a truly evil person in a past life - fives).  Note: I was clearly a serial killer in my past life.

So, we muddled along during those early years just trying to figure stuff out: how to transition from bottle to cup, how to get her out of our bed (we co-slept), how to give an appropriate "time out" (of which there were many!).  I firmly believe that a child's innate personality is evident at a very early age. You can spot a strong willed personality right away.  My "mimi girl" is without a doubt my strongest willed child.  I don't think I appreciated that personality trait as much when she was a toddler, but I think that it has truly served her well as she has gotten older.  My girl is not a quitter.  She speaks up for what she feels is right.  She defends and protects her younger brothers.  She is my wing girl and right-hand lady.  She makes me proud each and every day.

My point is, if you find yourself awake in the wee hours of the night with a crying baby, or chasing a naked, enraged toddler who insists on picking her own clothes, fear not!  That sassy baby will get older and when she does, you'll be thanking your lucky stars for her spirited nature.  Happy early birthday to my mimi!