What to Expect When You're Not Expecting

My youngest child will be turning 2 in April. She isn't just the youngest, though. She is also the LAST baby. Yes, no more children will be passing through this baby chute and I'm ...... OK with that. I'm actually more than OK with that. You see, it's a great thing that we stopped at 4. Anymore kids and I'd be writing to you from a psychiatric ward. Seriously. Don't get me wrong: I love my kids and I'm glad they are all here. I'm pretty sure, though, that each child has taken at least 2 years off the end of my life. I'm not that great at math, but if my calculations are correct, this means that I am slated to die at least 8 years early. But, anything for your kids, right?!! I'm just gonna hang on long enough so that I can experience the joy of one of them having to wipe my butt for a change. I don't care which one of them has to do it, either.  Pay back is a bitch!!

I am very commonly asked (often with a faint look of horror), whether we plan to "go for number 5." After I'm done laughing hysterically, I bluntly inform the asker "Hells no!" Then, with happy tears in my eyes, I tell (sometimes perfect strangers) that we've burnt that bridge to the ground! YOU SHALL NOT PASS little baby makers. To give you an idea, 10 minutes after our last child was born, I was on the phone scheduling my husband's vasectomy. Why a vasectomy vs. a tubal ligation? My reasoning was simple: after 10 years of being pregnant, birthing babies, and breast feeding babies, I felt very strongly that my loving husband should experience the joy of having his genitals smacked around a bit. Fair is fair and the vasectomy procedure is faster and less invasive. He agreed and so the factory is closed. 

Now, here's the million dollar question: how did I know I was done? How do you know that your family is complete? It's such a tough question, but I will say that I knew after my first, second, and third children that I didn't feel like everyone who was meant to be in our family was here. The picture wasn't complete, so we knew that we wanted one more. As soon as my daughter was born, I felt it! She was the last piece of the puzzle and I haven't had any second thoughts since. 

How else do I know? Seeing other babies does not make "my uterus ache with longing" as I've heard others poetically describe it. Newborns are obviously adorable and sweet, but the feeling I get is more so of my uterus trying to detach itself from my body and escape via any orifice it can find! I can picture my uterus galloping away from me like a runaway horse. In fact, if I didn't still need my lady parts, I might be totally OK if I woke up some morning to find them gone! I'm so bad, that it's not safe to sit me next to an expectant mother. God forbid she asks me "what's labor like?" or "what's it like having 4 kids?" My eyes suddenly glaze over and I start saying very unhelpful things like, "have you ever felt like your lady bits were doused in gasoline and lit on fire?" or "I haven't slept in 10 years" or "I have a hemorrhoid for each child, you do the math." And then I laugh and laugh and laugh! Yup. So, I think it's fair to say that we are done. 

Now, if you know me, you know that I adore my children. I would never take them for granted. I know how lucky I am to have 4 healthy kids. But real talk ... kids are hella hard. I think it's OK to admit that too. My kids have a really early bedtime and it's not because I'm a conscientious parent. Once 7 o'clock rolls around I'm in search and destroy mode. Objective: find the children and neutralize the threat. I need them to not be in my line of sight after a certain time at night. It's not them, it's me! I sprout hair, teeth and fangs when the sun goes down and it's just in every one's best interest to go the F the sleep. 

I think sometimes we go into this parenting thing with the expectation that kids will some how make everything better. Study after study shows that kids do not necessarily make life better or marriages stronger. I've learned to approach this parenting adventure from the standpoint of: I'm just trying to raise good human beings. My kids were not put here to fulfill some image of myself. They are unique, individual people whom I have committed to guiding towards adulthood. But boy do I live for the funny moments, the peaceful moments, and the joyful celebrations. Those moments make all the little daily struggles well worth it.